Tips and Tools

Talking to Your Partner about Sex

You've had the protection talk, and you and your partner think you're ready. You've heard so many things about sex, about how great it feels and how close it will make you and your partner. Thing is, it just doesn't always work out that way. Sex can be great and it can be magical, but it tends to take a little practice to get there. So don't be too disappointed if your first time doesn't quite live up to all the hype - with all the hype about sex, what could?! But with time, communication and practice, it can get a lot better.

At first, you and your partner may have different techniques, there might be way too much stress and pressure to perform, or it might be painful. You also won't know yet what your partner does and doesn't like. You probably don't even even know for sure what you like yet. The best way to overcome these differences is to be honest and talk about the way you feel.

Bad communication is one of the biggest problems for every couple, not just young people. You have to tell your partner what you like and don't like, and ask them what they like. Whatever you do, don't fake liking something (a certain sexual position, for example) just because you're afraid of hurting your partner's ego - if you fake it, they'll just keep on doing it, and you'll just keep on not liking it. Or maybe you're even doing something that neither of you likes, because you both think the other one likes it. Tell your partner what you like (or show them), be honest, and, with practice and time, you'll both come to know each other's bodies like your own. No doubt this conversation might be a little embarrassing at first, but if you and your partner don't discuss what you do and don't like, you're never going to reach your full sexual potential. If you want, you can even have some fun with it, and turn this learning process into a bit of a game.

But the main message is this: Sex can be great, but it's not perfect, and it's something you definitely have to work at. Over the course of your life you're going to have good sex and not-so-good sex, every time is not going to be the best time, and it's unfair to expect anyone (including yourself) to be the perfect lover every time. If you expect this much of sex or of your partner, you're just just setting yourself up to be let down. It's just not realistic and it's just not how life works.

A good sexual relationship takes work and communication. If you pretend that everything feels good, your partner will take the wrong cues, and things will never get better! And if you pretend for too long, your partner is going to feel pretty lousy when you finally do bring things up. He/she may feel upset that sex has not been making you feel good, and hurt that you didn't feel comfortable bringing things up.

Try openers like, "that feels nice...let's try this too," or "that hurts a bit...try this". You can always show your partner what you like by guiding them with your hands. Whatever you do, don't ever tell them they're doing things "wrong" or get to the point where you're just shouting out orders and instructions. Just let them know what you like and don't like and suggest things you want to try. It will probably do a lot for them too - it's always a big turn-on to know your partners really enjoying it! And don't forget to find out what they like and don't like too.

There are still lots of people who say, "I couldn't possibly talk that way with him (or her)!" And in some cases, this may be true.If that's the case, maybe it's a good idea to take a look at your relationship and how close you really are. Sex definitely isn't everything in a relationship, but "bad" sex (if there is such a thing) can sometimes be a symptom of other problems. Think about it - in the end, it's your pleasure that's on the line.

Last Modified: September 5, 2006