Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity

Coming Out As An Adult

It is a relatively new phenomena for people to come out as gay in adolescence or, in some cases, even younger. You may have grown up in a time or place that made it difficult, if not impossible, to disclose your homosexuality to the people in your life. While homophobia is still a problem in today's society, attitudes have changed enough for many gay adults to feel empowered to come out, even if they've lived a good portion of their adult lives in the closet. Perhaps you've been thinking about taking this step yourself.

The decision to reveal or conceal one's gayness is, of course, a personal one, but most people find the benefits of coming out far outweigh the risks. Hiding an important part of yourself can erode your self-esteem, and make your relationships with family and friends seem superficial. It's true that you risk alienating some people by revealing your true identity, but typically those people will eventually come around and accept you as you are. People tend to respect courage, and it certainly takes courage to come out after "staying in" for so long.

As an adult, you have one clear advantage over the gay teen who decides to come out: you're no longer an adolescent. Generally, this means that you have a firmer sense of your sexuality. Realizing that you're an adult, family and friends are not likely to ask if you're "sure" that you're gay, or try to steer you toward a heterosexual orientation.

On the other hand, you may be more established into the life of a heterosexual as an adult. You could be married with children or belong to a social circle that keeps homosexuals at a distance, and may fear losing crucial social supports if you come out. Coming out is a difficult decision, and you'll have to factor such realities into your decision and approach.

Coming out in adulthood means rewriting perceptions that people may have held about you for many years. Be prepared for initial reactions of surprise and shock. On the other hand, people may have suspected you were gay for years and be less surprised than you expect.

You can't be certain how someone will react until you come out to that person. You can, however, take steps to make the coming-out process as smooth as possible. The following suggestions may help:

• Set the stage by letting people know that you are opposed to prejudice in general. When the occasion presents itself, you can state your distaste of discrimination based on race, sex, religion, sexual orientation, and other attributes.
• If you have a lover, start referring to that person by name as a "close friend" whom you care deeply about.
• Consider having your family and/or friends meet your lover. Later, when you come out publicly, they will associate your homosexuality with a flesh-and-blood person they may have come to like.
• If you've been actively pretending to be heterosexual (for instance, going on dates with people of the opposite sex), stop doing so.

When you're ready to come out, set up a time and place for a private discussion with the person in question. Try to avoid coming out during a family crisis, wedding, funeral, before an important family holiday or when you're feeling especially angry or sad. The best time to come out is when you are feeling good about yourself.

Last Modified: September 5, 2006